You finally broke up with the next Ukrainian Emily Ratajkowsky you met last year during the festival (who turned out to be just a hotel waitress).

New Cannes, new resolutions. #Cannes2016 is your film festival and you don’t want to waste it: top career prospects, new lover(s) and liver pain are back in town! Here are the signs that prove you’re going to make it big in Cannes (or not):


1) You’ve been scanning gossip blogs to bag a newly single starlet. It’s the year you’ll will definitely take your chance at Kristen Stewart or at least talk to her or at least sneak pics of her to send to your mum.

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2) You’ve already booked your May 14th at Magnum to compare Kim’s ass with Kendall’s.

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3) You’ll keep calm when you find out that air traffic controllers are on strike again or that Easy Jet accidentally sent your suitcase with your brand new tux to Martinique…

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4) You’ve been doing cross fit for the past 2 weeks and a half when you heard that La Mano has a swimming pool.

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5) You’ve already booked 4 flats to crash even though you’re still not sure how’re you going to get there yourself.

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6) You’ve been thinking about booking an UberCopter for the past month.

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7) You’re still in rehab, but you promised Daddy you’d stay sober every day until 6pm.

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8) You promised yourself no more drunk improv in front of Woody Allen this year but you’ve taken a step forward in your acting career (despite that porno cameo).

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9) You’re dead set on not coming back whiter than when you arrived.

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10) You don’t care that there’s no Canal+ this year because you’re uncle met Ruquier once and you’ll be in backstage networking at “on est pas couché”.

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